babies and ballpoint pens

A Starting Point For Gratitude

2009-05-12T19:00:00.005-05:00

At the time I began creating this blog I was trying hard to find a voice. I needed to regain some sense of myself. I'd been swallowed whole by the passions and responsibilities of motherhood. I was fading and I was falling apart.

In the beginning I ranted and wondered out loud about things that I couldn't really say to anyone. I wrote stream of thought. I purged myself of personal reflections so that I could float back into my real life world of caring for for the whims of others and not feel bitter. I really just needed to be heard.

Having this blog opened up an opportunity for me with The Old Schoolhouse Magazine to review products on the TOS Crew. It opened doors.
Writing homeschool reviews was an amazing blessing.

For one, it allowed me to write. But beyond that, it required me to spend time with my kids to really use and explore the products. I couldn't have done it without them. It taught me how to balance my dreams with my family life and taught my family to honor and respect my writing time because they had something tangible to gain from it. It was a win win.

My family began to view me as writer. My confidence grew and my life began to round out.

Before long I started a second blog to focus more on our homeschooling adventures. My time quickly centered around homeschooling and writing thorough reviews of the many products I was blessed to obtain. Some of the reviews where posted here too.

Then I started a third blog to serve as a hot spot for my writing samples. It's sort of like an online writing portfolio.

Shortly after that I heard about an opportunity to write devotions for moms of toddlers at Totally Tots and I was thrilled when I was welcomed on board.

I also began blogging about my experiences as a Pastor's Wife at Christian Women Take Root.

Through all the contacts I was making in the blog world I decided to start another blog and try to do some affiliate marketing. I'll be honest, I haven't received a cent for it. It's just fun and I enjoy learning about companies and spotlighting items I use.

Once the TOS Crew year began to wind down some of us got a little antsy about a review free future and began seeking out opportunities. That's how I got involved in blogging for books programs. I currently review for Crossway, NavPress, Thomas Nelson. Zondervan, and Waterbrook. I love reading. My most exciting moments of this opportunity so far are the complimentary comments left by an author regarding my review of his book, and the excitement of reviewing a book written by my favorite author (Robin Jones Gunn).

On top of that, I get to stay connected to The Old Schoolhouse Magazine to write product reviews for print.

If that wasn't enough, God paved the way for me to begin the work to publish my first novel. It's in the editing process now. The joy and excitement of seeing my cover and discussing elements of the publishing process gives me goose bumps.

It all started here. It all started with a pain in my stomach, a burning for something more and the tug of war feeling in my heart. God knew how much I valued my family and how unwilling I was to lay them aside for my own aspirations. He picked up the hopes I'd laid at his feet at He brought them to my house. He weaved my personal aspirations into the fabric of my everyday life and made it possible for me to have it all. I am so blessed.
In the Bible when something really big and important happened at a location Gods people would mark the area with an altar. The altar served as a marking point. It was a place to remember what God had done.

I can tell you that when I began pouring my heart out here I was in a pretty desperate place. In the last two years I've faced a major move, the birth of a child, the loss of two houses, forclosure, bankruptcy, my husband's job loss, wounded feelings from our former church, suicidal feelings due to postpardum depression, two more moves, my teenage cousin moving in, her moving out, and then . . . .blessing. This is the altar I'm building, the place I remember God's provision. He settled my family, gave my husband a wonderful job, provided a beautiful home for our family, fulfilled my ambitions, replaced my depression with joy, healed my hurts, met our financial needs, reconciled my cousin to her parents and to God (she was called to ministry while she was here), and blessed me more than I could imagine. He parted the sea for me. He blew my mind.

My next three posts here will be about beginnings. They will be thank you notes to God in a way. I hope you'll visit again as I reflect on the firsts that have occured in my home recently. I'll leave lots of room for you to comment too. I hope you'll join me as, together, we recognize the ground we've gained as children of the King.

Awesome New Writing Contest At The Old Schoolhouse Magazine

2009-02-23T11:13:00.001-06:00

Exciting News from TOS!

Attention writers!
Grab your pencils and get those creative juices flowing!

The Old Schoolhouse® Magazine is hosting our second Storytime Writing Contest! We have two creative fiction categories: adults (16 and up 2,500 words or less) and children (15 and below 1,500 words or less). Deadline to enter is March 16, 2009. $7.95 fee per entry.

Grand prize winners in both the adult and child categories will receive prize packages valued at over $1,000, publication in the Summer 2009 issue of TOS, and publication in our Storytime 2009 Compilation E-Book. Eleven Honorable Mentions from each category will also be included in the E-Book in addition to receiving gifts from top homeschool companies.

We look forward to reading your entries!

For a detailed list of prizes, official contest rules, to meet our judges, and to upload your story, please visit: www.TheHomeschoolMagazine.com/Short_Story_Contest.php.

Need help teaching writing? We have over 200 writing products in the Schoolhouse Store!

A 7th Birthday Party

2009-02-21T16:24:00.006-06:00

Chloe's 7th Birthday party was today. She's gotten so big. I can't believe she's already 7!
She had a couple of new friends over and received some pretty neat presents. One gift was a marker set. Nevie liked it a lot. Notice the lovely tattoo on her arm.
It might still be there at her 7th Birthday.
My kids are crazy, but they are crazy fun too. Happy Birthday Chloe. You are still my baby.

2009-02-02T14:19:00.005-06:00

I am having so much fun taking pictures of my kiddos. I mean, aren't they just so cute? Here I caught Sadie reading in the bathtub. She swiped Nevie's winter hat and my bra to complete her look. I love how her book is upside down. I'll have fun teasing her about that when she gets bigger.

To see more cute kid pictures click HERE.

2009-02-02T14:05:00.005-06:00

This is the first of my entries this week for iHeartFaces. The kids dressed up our poor dog, Hunter, in a dress. I think Sadie is adorable with her Clifford headband. My only regret with this photo is that Sadie looks so tired. She's barely been sleeping at all lately. That makes for a tired mommy too.

To see more cute photos with pets click here

Adult Entry for iHeartFaces

2009-01-26T23:05:00.006-06:00

This is my adult photo for iHeartFaces this week. Our family friend, Mr.R, is 98 and a huge blessing to our family. Here he's playing with my daughter and her puppet "Clementine". He is full of joy around my little ones and they love having him around. It cracks me up watching him try so hard to be serious when he just wants to laugh.

You can see more joyful adult faces here

iHeartFaces captures "Joy"

2009-01-26T22:28:00.004-06:00

This is my little ball of joy. Her fun and spunk come out nicely in this picture. To me, joy can be as simple as rolling in the grass. It's the smiles and laughter that create joy, even more than the activity or surroundings.

If you are looking for joy check out more joyful faces here.

Act Against The New CPSIA Law

2009-01-16T20:28:00.001-06:00

Many of you are probobly already familiar with the new CPSIA act that will lower the lead content in products for children 12 and under. This act is a perfect depiction of a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Mattel introduced parents to the fear of lead last year when it came out that many of their products had dangerous levels of lead in their toy's paint. These hazardous products were created in China.
Who wouldn't want their child to be protected from these dangerouse materials? We all want our children safe. Unfortunately this act is going to do damage of it's own. There are clearly far better ways to handle the risks.
Lead is known to attack the central nervous system and effects the neorotransmitters in the brain. It can cause learning problems, behavioral problems, anemia, seizures and even death. The ones most at risk are young, poor, under-nourished children.
Here's an idea for the government. . .feed the poor. Lower the risk. Undernourished children in our country, with all of it's wealth and resources, just should not happen.
If the concern is real and founded, then Mattel should be the first company on the government's chopping block. Sadly, they aren't under fire at all. Instead, the mom and pop shops that sell you discounted used clothing and used books to read to your child are being hit very hard. Many small businesses and those who sell handmade items for children will go under as a result.
This act will affect our children's central nervous system too. It will affect their ability to access and obtain knowledge. Many used books and learning materials will be disposed of in a Government landfill. This Law will create learning problems, and the ability to know and explore history through those old and precious books. Ignorance is a key contributor to bad behavior and without these resources we can expect a good amount of ignorance. It will weaken our country's foundations and strength. It will belittle our freedom and culture. It will shake our economy worse than any seizure could and lead to the death of many fine businesses.
On February 10th, 2009, many stores will close their doors for the last time. Their American dream will become a nightmare. We have an obligation as parents, consumers, and Americans to come to their defense.
Please take action along with me and many others. Get involved. Here is what you can do to help:
1. Write your representive. Use these links if you need to find out who they are:
https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml
http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm
2. Sign the petition to ammend this law at:
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/economicimpactsofCPSIA/index.html
3. Write a comment at:
http://www.cpsc.gov/cgibin/info.aspx
Or call Nancy Nord direct at 301-504-7923
4. Vote to ammend the law at:
http://www.change.org/
5. Tell others the huge ramifications of this ill-plannned law. Get the word out. There is power in numbers.
If you want to know more, you can click the button in my sidebar that will take you to another site full of resources on this issue. If you are a blogger like me you could even pick that button up and place it on your blog.
If you happen to be a small business owner affected by this, if your creativity and skills are under attack, know that you are surrounded in prayer. Prayer is active and it has a way to move behind doors that you and I could never get past. It can reach places and people we will never know, and prayer can change things when the view looks hopeless.
(There is also a class action suit starting up on Facebook. The cost is $100-$200/company represented. This could get ugly.)
When the tidal wave of doubt and fear hits, remember Who calms the storm.

Calling All Writers!

2009-01-08T15:45:00.004-06:00

Exciting News from TOS!

Attention writers!Grab your pencils and get those creative juices flowing!

The Old Schoolhouse® Magazine is hosting our second Storytime Writing Contest!

We have two creative fiction categories: adults (16 and up 2,500 words or less) and children (15 and below 1,500 words or less). Deadline to enter is March 16, 2009. $7.95 fee per entry.Grand prize winners in both the adult and child categories will receive prize packages valued at over $1,000, publication in the Summer 2009 issue of TOS, and publication in our Storytime 2009 Compilation E-Book. Eleven Honorable Mentions from each category will also be included in the E-Book in addition to receiving gifts from top homeschool companies.We look forward to reading your entries!

For a detailed list of prizes, official contest rules, to meet our judges, and to upload your story, please visit: www.TheHomeschoolMagazine.com/Short_Story_Contest.php. Need help teaching writing? We have over 200 writing products in the Schoolhouse Store! Just click one of my Old Schoolhouse banners or the short story button in my sidebar to get there quick.

And Then Mama Said . . .

2008-11-28T13:20:00.004-06:00

And Then Mama Said. . . .It Takes Time To Learn To Read
A new softcover book by Gena Suarez and Illustrated by Kevin Collier available now for $9.95 at the Old Schoolhouse Store. Read on to find out more. . . .
Bliss Hollow is something less than blissful when Splish discovers that his friends can read and he can not. If you have a pre-reader or beginning reader in your home, they will surely relate to the encouraging story of Splish the frog.
Splish is a homeschooled frog who has the benefit of a very patient mother who encourages him with the truth that "it takes time to learn to read".
If his name sounds familiar it's likely that your children participated in the TOS summer reading program. Maybe your child is one that voted on his name. Children already have ownership of him and, if they haven't yet, they are certain to fall in love with this adorable frog.
Here is what you will find in this sweet new book Then Mama Said . . .It Takes Time To Learn To Read by Gena Suarez:
Splish is a homeschooled frog. A homeschooled character is always a nice thing to see.
There are character lessons in this story that will support Christian values and morals.
The Illustrations by Kevin Collier are colorful and engaging.
This story even contains a nice little lesson for parents about what is truly important (even more important than learning to read).
The story gently promotes the benefits of learning to read, without shaming the child who has trouble learning.
Along with the book there is an added bonus of a free downloadable Activity Guide that includes copywork pages, coloring pages, an alphabet maze and even science lessons. These allow you to extend your child's learning even farther and enjoy even more of Splish and his friends in Bliss Hollow.
TOS is confident that you are going to love this product. You can view a sample of the activity book at:
http://www.theoldschoolhousestore.com/sample/ACompanionActivityBookforSplish-Sample.pdf
Also, if you ask, they will have your copy autographed!
This is just the beginning for Bliss Hollow so join in the fun now and don't miss out on Splish's adventures.

Rime to Read

2008-11-28T13:16:00.004-06:00

When I first visited the Rime to Read site, I wasn't all that impressed. I guess my adult eyes didn't get its value. The pictures seemed cute, but simple. Now, don't give up on me yet. Keep reading.
I was looking at it critically because one of my interests is in illustration for Children's books. I wanted more visually than what I was getting.
I started to think about it more and wondered how I would review this product. I have tons of books that I have purchased to teach my children to read. They are bright and colorful and you know what - as I thought about it more I realized that all of these flashy books never accomplished the task of teaching them to read.
My oldest daughter learned to read by sheer desire. She spent a nano second with Abeka primers and jumped into the real deal. Her first book was Frog and Toad are friends (a level 2 book). Her determination and strong-willed personality wouldn't allow her to take it slow.
My son has been a challange to teach. Reading has not come easy for him. He guesses at the words by memorizing the pictures. As I thought about my issues with Rime to Read I realized that they were the same reasons why it would work wonderfully for him.
I printed off some books and gave them to my son. He began by screaming "I HATE BOOKS, I'LL NEVER LEARN! I DON'T WANT TO LEARN."
After some deep breaths and some Mommy threats, he was sitting down again and he held the simple little book in his hands. He stared at the words and barely noticed the picture until the page was read. Did you catch that? He read the page!
He was so excited at his success that he read the next page, and continued until the book was completed! Then he read it again for his Dad, his sisters, his Grandma, and a neighbor!
My computer is inkless at this moment because he can't get enough!
Rime to Read opened up the world of reading for my son. It also taught me a very useful lesson on pre-judging what curriculum will work for my children.
I am so thankful for the chance to review this product!
The pictures are simple and the words are simple, but the doors they open are huge! Reading takes you places.
So . . .my review of Rime to Read has changed from start to finish.
Here is what you need to know about Rime to Read:
*Rime to Read offers 20 books that can be read on-line or copied and printed out.
*Instead of using phonemes to teach reading, this program uses rime patterns like at, cat, bat. This will simplify their learning because rimes are easier for a child to discriminate.
*The pictures are cute, but simple enough that the reader can focus on the words first and be rewarded with the picture after the page has been read.
*Your child will actually learn to read. Their confidence will soar and you will be a pleased customer!

Rime to Read books can be purchased in two ways. You can purchase them in sets of 4 for $9.99. Or you can buy all 20 for $44.99. It's a great value when you consider that they can be saved and read again a number of times. If tiny hands rip a book, just re-print your saved copy and it's fixed.

Rime to Read is great. Best of all, you don't have to take anyone's word for it . . .you can sample a book right now for free. Try before you buy at: http://www.rimetoread.com/
Check them out today.

Mary Jane Her Book

2008-11-28T13:10:00.006-06:00

The goal and mission of Salem Ridge Press is to revive those special books from the past that have slipped away from us somehow. They breath new life into wholesome, family-friendly books that are special treasures for reading.
We had the honor of reading three books for review. In this post I want to tell you about Mary Jane - Her Book by Clara Ingra Judson.
This story was originally published in 1918.
The neat thing is that in 90 years children haven't really changed that much. Sure the world around them is shifting and changing (some for good, some for bad), but children at their core remain the same. They have the same curiousities and simple thrills. They have the same spark of imagination and yearning for play. Time doesn't change these things and that is why Salem Ridge Press revived this wholesome and sweet story.
Mary Jane is five. Like all little girls then and now, she is vibrant and sometimes silly. She learns through discovery and exploration, and with the gentle guidance of family. She plays like a child and immitates the adults around her.
This is excellent for homeschoolers in this age group! We have an ecclectic approach, but I often lean towrds lapbooking and unit studies for the creativity in their learning. This book lend itself to this type of teaching. Each chapter is a perfect springboard for unit study.
For example:
Ch.1- Mary Jane's doll breaks and her father takes her to the store to replace it with the doll's "twin." You could read the chapter and spend the day doing matching games. You could also discuss safety issues when crossing the road (that is how the doll breaks).
Ch.2- Mary Jane is sent to do an errand for her mother and gets distracted by an army of ants. You could read this chapter and then launch a study on insects or ants specifically. You could do an experiment by leaving sugar need an ant hill and observe how quickly the ants find it.
Ch.3- Mary Jane tries to help the baby robins (that she thinks are thirsty) by giving them a drink from the garden hose. You could discuss birds as a result of this chapter. You could observe a nest or talk about the eating habbits of birds or how an egg hatches.
Those are just three examples I can think of and there are many many more! With sixteen wonderful chapters to read, your little ones will be amused and entertained by the sweet adventures of this little girl.
My daughter is loving this! I am working on writing and expanding out units related to each chapter in this story (as I did above) to use with my younger daughters as they grow. The story's simplicity inspired me.
If you have a little girl, I can confidently say that she will enjoy this book. I don't know a little girl that wouldn't.
Check it out at http://www.salemridgepress.com/youngerreaders.html
There is a free download of the first chapter at the site if you wish to sample it before you buy.
The cost is $12.95 softcover (and worth every penny!)
Or it is available in hardcover for $22.95.
Salem Ridge Press is also making note of the season and offereing the following on their website:
"Create a Christmas Wish List on our website and be entered to win five books of your choice absolutely free in time for Christmas!"
With books like these, I have a list I could make. The next book in the Mary Jane series would be at the top.
Best of all, Salem Ridge is a good company with strong benefit to children. They are books we can hand our children without pre-screening or fear of the content. In this world, that is a blessing!
Check them out.

To learn more about Salem Ridge Press Books like The White Seneca and SlaveGlaucia the Greek Slave check out my other entry at: http://babiesandballpointpens.blogspot.com/2008/11/salem-ridge-press.html

Salem Ridge Press

2008-11-28T13:06:00.004-06:00

Glaucia the Greek Slave by Emma Leslie is a book that you will appreciate for many reasons:

*It provides a glimpse into the early beginnings of Christianity - essentially the book of Acts.
*It has information of Greek and Roman culture and what the gospel really meant to them.
*It shows the progression of people coming to Christ within that culture.
*It is excellently written and suprisingly readable considering the wording (i.e. thees and thous).
*It flowed. You could overlook the language of it and become soaked in the story.
*Vocabulary and locations are footnoted to increase knowledge and understanding.
*You will be hooked into this story.
This excellent book can be purchased at: http://www.salemridgepress.com/

Cost: $24.99 (hardcover) or $14.99 (softcover).

You can read the first Chapter at http://www.salemridgepress.com/chapters/glauciathegreekslave.pdf

The White Seneca by William W. Canfield is the story of Henry Cochrane, a boy who lives for two years as a captive of the Seneca tribe. This book covers Colonial America 1774-1778.

It is another great story published by Salem Ridge Press!

Here is what you can expect from this wonderful historical fiction:

*Another well written, captivating story
*A real look into the culture and mindset of the Seneca tribe of the Iroquois nation
*It is fairly presented, presenting the Iroquois in an honest portrayal.
*It gives a look into the American Revelutionary period in History.
*Locations and current day changes are footnoted to give more historical understanding.

The White Seneca is very well researched and full of riveting facts and an engaging storyline.
This book is available in softcover only for $14.95.

You can read the first chapter at: http://www.salemridgepress.com/chapters/thewhiteseneca.pdf

Salem Ridge Press will not leave you disappointed! They are an excellent company that my family will be visiting time ad time again.

Homespun Holidays and The Old Schoolhouse Magazine

2008-10-28T16:35:00.011-05:00

Christmas is coming soon. Only 58 days left! Christmas is a special and memory-filled Holiday. It is ripe with tradition and the cozy warth of family. It's a time to reflect. It's a chance curl up by a fire and hunker down with a great book . . .or the wonderful Christmas stories you'll find in the Fall issue of The Old School House Magazine.

Did you ever dream of getting a horse for Christmas? You can get a sneak peek of our Fall issue and see Nancy Carter's first horse! Oh, and she's not the only one sharing her childhood pictures. You'll see photos from the 50's through the 80's.

But, you'll need the Fall issue of The Old Schoolhouse Magazine to go on this walk down memory lane.

Plus, do you like to create holiday memories? The brand new TOS holiday E-Book can be yours, too. It's all about the fall and winter holidays - mainly Thanksgiving and Christmas. But it's not even for sale yet. This is your chance to get it first - for FREE ($12.45 value)!

Normally when a person subscribes, their subscription starts with the upcoming issue which can take a while. But, TOS thought about that when they planned their Fall Special.

If you subscribe now with their Fall Special, you'll get

Almost 50% off the cover price for 2 years The current Fall issue as soon as it is ready

6 Bonus gifts

12 months of Teacher's Toolbox, which contains a FREE E-Book every month PLUS, the new E-Book, Homespun Holidays for FREE!

This is over $250 worth of product for only $39!!

CLICK on the Icon on my sidebar to subscribe.
Be ready for the beauty and sparkle of this Christmas season.

Knit Wit

2008-06-10T00:18:00.001-05:00

It's been a while! The meds have taken a full effect. Time has helped to heal the depression that occurred after the birth of my last baby. I'm making decisions that are right for me, not my family, not my doctor . . .me! So, not a lot has changed. I haven't given anything up and I'm actually juggling more than I was before. I'm okay though. I can handle it this time. I think it's cause I know who's in charge of it all really.
The bible says that we were knit together by God in our mother's womb. I don't know when I started pulling away at the yarn, but slowly I unraveled His plan for me to build something else myself. The thing is I don't know how to knit and all I did was make a mess and stress myself out. I tried to be in control of everything, to function on my own . . .but I was fighting a pattern when I should have surrendered.
Over the last few months I have surrendered my dreams for myself in search of who God says I am. Novel concept,huh?
The ironic thing is that God actually wanted a lot of what I wanted for myself. He is showing me that I can do this stuff, but only with His help. Without Him in charge I fall apart. I get tired and I never measure up.
So . . .I'm willing to be at peace with His pattern, whatever it becomes.

The post baby blues

2008-01-07T22:08:00.001-06:00

My baby is five months old already! She said momma for the first time today. It's strange that she would pick this day to squash her little pink lips together and form that word. I don't feel like a good mommy today. I don't really feel like a good anything.
I met with a doctor today because I'm still having trouble finding my way out of this haze of let downs to cope with life. It is what it is I guess, but right now it's too much to handle alone. So the doctor gave me medication and now I'm a zombie like everyone else in this dinky little ghost town. I can't nurse my baby anymore. My last baby, and she's still only five months old.
He said I need to make a list, problem solve, re-evaluate my life and priorities. He challanged nursing and homeschooling. "Do you really need to be doing them right now?" He asked me. What else can I do? What else do I have to offer? He said I should do something for me, maybe go to school. "What about your career?" He said.
He apparently hasn't gotten the memo at the boy's club or at the publishers because, last I checked, unpublished chick-lit writer/ nursing homeschool mommy of four/ floundering pastor's wife with a killer stuffed mushroom recipe didn't qualify as a taxable career. You aren't anything until someone important says you are.
Money really is the root of all evil isn't it? It qualifies our effort and tells the world that we are something.
So I sat down with my oldest little girl, she's six and beautiful. For privacy I'll call her Glow worm ( she lights up a room with her smile). Anyway, we sat down over dinner and talked about school. "Real" school as she calls it. I try not to take that personally. She's actually wanting to go next year for first grade. She knows how to read already. Her handwriting is beautiful. She knows more math and geography than I did in Highschool (not saying much, but still impressive for a six year old). She'd do awesome in school. She's brilliant and polite, a teacher's dream. My pride is wounded though. I was supposed to teach her. I don't know how to share her with anyone really. . .not even her daddy.
My kids are my world. I can't even remember who I was before them. That's why I have to let stuff go. I have to redefine and self evaluate and pop a pill because (in my saine moments) I want them to have a mommy for a long long time.
So. . . my baby called me momma today.

Beautiful Gray

2007-11-08T09:56:00.000-06:00

What can I say? Life goes on. Even a fade to black isn't permanent. The lights come on eventually and reality is visible again. It's a slow trickle of light at first. You want it to be slow. Your eyes adjust slowly without the sting of sudden change. That's how my life has been over the last month. My eyes are adjusting. The light is slowly coming back on. I found The Carrot Seed. It was a damaged copy and I had to drive 45 minutes to get it . . .but hey it worked.
It wasn't the real issue. It was the tipping point. Our home in Michigan was sold sheriff sale. I've never felt so much like a forest creature. I'm living out Robin Hood. The stupid, rich, Jennifer Granholm has swallowed up everything I worked for with her lame policies. Everything is taken away and there isn't a big enough rescue plan. Robin Hood and Maid Mariann are living in their castle now and no one remembers us anymore. It's gray.
Besides our old house situation we also had the unfortunate luck of not being able to purchase our current home. We should be homeless, but God knew I couldn't take that. That would be the break of my already wobbling sanity. He loved me enough to turn on the light. It's dim, really dim. It's a roof. Three bedrooms and a den. We can bring the pets. What's a little dirt right? Okay a lot of dirt. . . scrub till your fingers bleed dirt. It's a roof. It's my beautiful gray.
Good old Webster defines Gray like this:"to shine, gleam. 1 of a color that is a mixture or blend of black and white." It also says "4 a person or group wearing a uniform b) a confederate soldier."
Who thinks of gray as shining? But isn't it where things begin? Where the light clicks on. . . where the hope begins. We have to wear that hope like our uniform. Prepare for battle. Okay, just try to ignore the confederate part. I know that they lost. This isn't slavery we're fighting over, but freedom. Freedom wins every time regardless of the uniform color. We unite in an alliance of hope to wear our gray in the meantime with pride because something is happening. The victory is coming, however small, and the light will get brighter if we let our eyes see it. So I open them wide because the quicker I adjust, the quicker God raises the house lights on my dreams. Just a thought.

The Carrot seed nightmare

2007-10-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

My grandma had surgery today. She's over 16 ours away, hurting, and I'm not there. She's okay, but I hate not being there to judge for myself just how okay she really is. I miss home and I don't even know where home is anymore.
We received three letters today in the mail stating that our house that has been on the market in MI since January will be up for sheriff sale at the end of the month. The fourth and fifth letters were from attorneys begging for the opportunity to file our bankruptcy. I feel without hope.
Ironically, today I was supposed to teach my oldest about hope by reading and studying The Carrot Seed. This is a popular book. Hundreds and thousands of children have heard this story since it went to print. They've all been inspired by that adorable little boy who won't give up when everyone tells him that his dream is too big, a carrot is too hard to grow. It can't be done. Apparently those to enjoy this delightful story would be people outside of this dinky excuse for a town that I now reside in. Our "Librarian" hadn't heard of it wen I requested it. It has to be sent in from somewhere else. Somewhere where good literature, education, and the quest for hope are valued.
Soon a stake will be driven into the red soil in the front of the house I've called my home for the last six month. For sale. At any moment the dream, the hope, that impossible to grow seed will evaporate. I'll look left and right with nervous wonder hoping that no one witnesses the shame of it. I wasn't lucky enough to have a "can't" spoken to me. No one has said "that seed won't grow" to me. And I have stood here watching that little nothing shrivel up and die. Which is worse? Being told your dreams are silly and proving them wrong? Or living among dreamers when the dream is a lie? All I know is that the last page of this mess isn't brimming with color and the look of success. It's tears brimming my eyes and fade to black. Does that sound too tragic to you? Walk a day in my shoes.

Peppy Purple

2007-09-25T15:12:00.001-05:00

Today I managed to type three new pages of my second chick lit novel. At this rate it will be completed when I'm no longer relevant. Of course that assumes I'm relevant today.

What gives us the value of being heard? What makes people listen? What makes words or feelings relevant anyway?

I think maybe it isn't what we say, but who we say it to that matters.

I remember begging my mom to paint my walls peppy purple ( a color very close to the shade of this font). I was five and I couldn't imagine a greater color on the four walls of my room. In fact I'd have painted everything in the room including the cat if she had let me. But the answer was no, for the cat and the bedroom. I didn't stop talking about that perfect color though and one day someone heard me and understood.

My uncles knew it wasn't just a color it was a statement. Maybe it was a statement to me as well as from me. Purple walls would speak affermations to me that told me I was big enough to make choices and that my choices were good, maybe even beautiful.

They snuck into our house while we were out of town and they covered my walls in that perfect hue. They even cover the dresser. They told me I was relevant. My feelings and my choices were of value.

It wasn't that my mom didn't agree to my value. She'd have died for me , she probobly still would. But she didn't understand. The color was ugly to her and maybe my love for it would die quickly and she'd have to re-paint. It wasn't what she imagined for me. What if I was wrong? What if she found something better?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Relevance is judged by the hearer. I know a handful of beautiful people who say I am relevant. One of them is reading this right now. To you my words are as relevant now as they'll ever be. Whenever this crazy dream of a novel is complete you'll cling to every word. You are my peppy purple.

The Mom Verb

2007-09-14T15:39:00.001-05:00

Today I taught Chloe about past and present tense verbs. Now I'm wondering where a mother fits into "verb land". After our trip to the dentist today I'm regretting every piece of candy, cake or juice that I ever let enter her mouth. The dentist reported five cavities! Five! Where did I fail her? ( I'm in the past . . .I see chocolate . . .lots of chocolate).
In a moment I'll be placing diner in the oven. I prepared this meal a week ago and stored it in the freezer. yesterday I decided we would eat it today. In an hour it will fill my stomach. Is this past present or future?
I've decide that mothers have to be everywhere. We live in the moment, remember the past, plan for the future. Is there a verb that suits us? We are neither past or present tense. At the moment I'm just tense.

The Neglected Pen

2007-09-14T15:39:00.000-05:00

I have already admitted that I am not a typist. I am pretty incompetent when it comes to computers. I am proving this today. I started the computer five times in an attempt to get it to function properly! The stupid thing knows I'm incompetent and hides deep inside of itself when it feels my fingers on its keys. Yeah, yeah, I know . . .inanimate objects don't feel. Whatever. I swear it laughed at me as I re-started it the fifth time!
So all this got me thinking about something miles away from what I had intended to write about. Let's go back to that beloved ball point pen and its best friend, blank paper, shall we? How did they become so abandoned for this crazy contraption I'm sitting in front of?
The pen and paper never fail. Okay the pen may run out of ink, but can we blame it? Under constant use we would run empty too wouldn't we? We go to bed when we're tired. The poor pen, when worn out, gets pulled open and re-filled. It's immediately put back to use, without so much as a coffee break! As for the paper . . . when has it ever made a mistake? If it's blank it functions as inspiration, if it's full it represents progress. Wadded up it's frustration released. Make a basket and say thank you. That simple piece of paper can be anything. It can fly.
I don't understand its neglect and yet here I sit typing on a computer as my ball point pen rests on the key pad cover. Take a break I tell it. I'll use you up tomorrow. Yes, sometimes it's okay to talk to a pen.

Waltz in A major

2007-09-12T14:37:00.000-05:00

Our unit study this week revolves around Babar. I am teaching my oldest daughter about manners, formal language, the music of Haydn, the country of India, sound, ears, elephants, and various other relatable topics. Today we studied Haydn. We listened to his music and then to a piece by Mozart (a friend of Haydn). Then we listened to piece by Haydn's student, Beethoven.
When the "teaching" was over I told her that I had a favorite composer and asked her if she'd like to listen to him. She shook her head and laid on the floor to listen. I hit play on the cd and Brahms waltz in A major came streaming out of the speakers. She listened for a minute and then said to me "mom this music sounds like you". "What do you mean?" I asked. "It's sort of happy and sort of sad. It sounds confused" she answered with her eyes closed.
I've been thinking about that comment all day. Am I confused? Am I walking half smiling and half in tears? Is there a mom today who isn't? It's a confusing walk, the life of a mom. I want them to play without making a mess. I want them to talk, but not talk back. I want them to grow, but not too fast. The opposites bounce in our head as wildly as our children in the ball pit at McDonalds. If we're honest, we are all sort of waltzing in A major. At least we're being heard.